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He spent a decade getting fat and doing increasingly bitter and surreal sets to uncomfortable social workers in provincial arts centres. I'm guessing he's dashing to escape the sycophantic mob. For four years he was very hot. He even puts a kiss on it. Come on, It's Samuel Beckett!!! I don't know him personally, but it's true; I Bum Stewart Lee. And if he asked you for a blow job, well Taylor. Age: 29. Be assured that our time together will be unhurried and that you are in the company of an independent muse. So bring your sexy thoughts and lets see how your ebony muse can turn it into sweet music. Aidra. Age: 21. Watch out for flakes

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Now I've got an excuse to speak to Stewart Lee, man to man. I stare at the ceiling. What band are you in? Our seats are at the back, so for a few moments it's just me and Trixie, smiling at Stewart Lee smiling awkwardly back. Jesus what a stiff! Every trace of the mystique you've worked hard to accumulate during the gig is erased by the fact that you're now basically a monkey in a cage being forced to sell your own bananas at gunpoint. But I'm a bit hurt that he's in such a hurry to get away from us. Walking through Soho I'm going on about how great Stewart Lee is. He played a Steve Earle song Without bothering to take a bow, Lee jogs up the aisle and vanishes behind a curtain, even as the punters applaud his comedic genius.

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We file out of the auditorium, into the foyer, and past the inevitable merchandising stall behind which is standing He spent a decade getting fat and doing increasingly bitter and surreal sets to uncomfortable social workers in provincial arts centres. I don't know him personally, but it's true; I Bum Stewart Lee. I'll have to get my facts straight.

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